Friday, November 9, 2012

An open letter to people with short-term memories

Dear residents of Utah,

It's that time of year again.  You know - the scary time.  The time when up is down and left and right and nothing makes sense anymore.

You know what I'm talking about.  The time when it starts to snow again.

As a resident of Utah myself, I want you to know that I understand you.  Your fears are valid, and I want you to know that I'm there for you.  I know how frightening it can be to deal with something you've dealt with before; even many, many times before.   Even every single year that you've lived in Utah.  I know how the blissful heat of summer can seem to stretch on forever and ever into Eternity, and make it seem like it never snows here, like snow is just a long-forgotten horror that exists only in our grandparents' nightmares. Even though Salt Lake City, where you probably live, is at an elevation of over 4000 feet and is the gateway to numerous renowned ski resorts and has earned the reputation "Greatest Snow on Earth."  I'm here to remind you today that despite all that, it does, in fact, snow here.  Please, remember to breathe.  It's going to be okay.

To help you manage this confusing time, here are a few reminders about how to handle the Evil snow:

1. Wear More Clothes

Snow is cold.  Winter is cold.  You may have heard the phrase "bundle up"; I implore you to do so, for your own protection.  Because if you complain about being cold in a t-shirt and jeans, someone is going to beat you up.

2. Drive Slower (and turn your galdurned lights on)

Don't you just love car accidents?  The smell of broken glass in your eyeballs; the big fat stacks of money waving you goodbye; recklessly endangering the lives of innocent people...  Wait, you don't love that?  Then why in the HOLY NAME OF HAN SOLO would you not think to slow down and drive more carefully?  Also, if it is currently overcast and snowing/raining, turn your headlights on.  Yes, even if it's 2:00 in the afternoon, because contrary to popular stupid opinion, the use of headlights is not time-restricted; it is condition-based.  Nothing bad will come of making yourself more visible to other people in inclement weather, unless you consider "being safe" bad.  In which case, go to jail, right now.

3. Drink Hot Chocolate

Hot chocolate is extremely comforting and warms you from the inside, so it should be your best friend in times like these.

4. Have Fun!

One way to get rid of fears is to face them - so get out there in that snow!  Run around in it; it probably won't hurt you, and you might even have some fun.  Are you a scientist?  Then observe the snow; experiment with it.  Try moving through it in different ways, and observe how the physics of objects in snow differ from that of objects on dry ground.  You may learn something!  Believe it or not, but entire industries are made from people having fun in the snow.  And very large groups of people are never wrong.  So be brave.  Embrace your terror and turn that frown upside down.

I hope this mini-guide has been helpful.  I have only your best interests at heart.  And on that note, maybe you could print this out and keep it around for next year when Winter inevitably rolls around once more, and then maybe we won't have to go through all this again.

Have a super snow-filled day!


  1. I will add...

    5. Move to Chico! :-D

  2. Ah! I love this! You should send this in to Des News, or something. ;)

  3. Also, send some of that snow here!!! It's like 16 degrees today! Everyone is loving the warm weather but I love the snow, ha.