Saturday, August 25, 2012

A little about James + a little about why I've been sad lately

My sweet little boy, finally asleep after about two hours of fighting.  I think he's entering a new stage, and the world is becoming more and more interesting to him.  He doesn't want to miss anything.  He's started reaching for things beyond just his face-zone, he watches me from across rooms.

He isn't very shy yet.  Everyone gets a smile.  He especially loves to smile at himself in the mirror. (I haven't been able to get a good picture of that - my phone's camera isn't very high quality.  Plus it was bought used and is a little beat up, there are dust specks in the lens that I can't get to, so all my pictures have those dark spots.  Anyway.)
Another thing about the littlest Wade, is he is LOUD with a capital LOUD.  Sometimes it sounds like a tropical bird got stuck in the house.  Tony and I are both pretty quiet and reserved, so it tickles me that our son likes to screech and squeal just for the delight of doing so.  He lays on his blanky and just listens to his own voice.  I love it.

Life has been marginally crazy for me lately; at least, I don't have as much downtime as I used to, when I'm at home.  Work is a different story.  I have TONS of downtime at work, but all the things I want to do with that time are at home, or have to do with home.  I have a few projects I've been able to take with me, but still once I get home I'm busy with laundry or dishes or baths or practicing the piano for my new church calling, or just taking care of the boy and spending time with the Dad.  Sometimes I get frustrated, but there have been things lately that really make my challenges seem small.  One involves a friend whose wife just had their first baby; I won't go into detail because I haven't talked to them about doing so first, but their sweet little girl was born with some complications and they're not sure how long she'll be with them.  They don't live close to me - I've been keeping up through Facebook and their blog - but I feel very close to them and their story.  Not quite like it's happening to me, but it's really struck home.  So the past few weeks my heart has been aching terribly for families of children with special needs.

So I've been made extremely grateful for my own little family.  I sometimes feel guilty, that I (so far) haven't been asked to deal with some of the challenges that others face.  I don't take my healthy boy or my family or our situation for granted.  Each day is a blessing.  I'm grateful for every struggle to get him to take a nap.  I'm grateful to hear his cries because I know he's just tired, not recovering from surgery or enduring hospital stays.  I'm grateful to not have his projected life expectancy something I have to consider daily.  And I've been praying with all my heart for those who do.

I wish I could better convey how my heart aches.  Pictures of my friend's baby girl remind me a little of James, and I think of him when he was tinier and newborn, and pure and innocent like all newborns, and healthy, and I'm just not sure I could've endured the agony if he wasn't. As I read these blogs and stories of the mothers of these babies, I'm in awe of their strength and optimism, and especially their faith.  And it really brings me down into myself, because I know I am not as strong as they are.

As James was being born we had a little scare where his heart rate kept dropping.  Everything was fine as I started pushing, but after a few pushes things changed.  I didn't even realize anything was wrong, but suddenly the room was full of people and they kept rolling me around, changing my position for each push to see if that would make things easier for James.  I remember feeling panic creep up my throat but I forced myself to stay calm so I could do my best at getting him out.  Eventually they had to call in an OB who used foreceps to get him out, and then everything was fine again.  And that's the extent of my "nightmare".  It was scary for me at the time, but in hindsight and in reality it was nothing.  So small compared to some of the things others are asked to deal with in this life.

I could probably beat this topic into the ground.  I just needed to write about it for a little bit, to get some of the thoughts and feelings out of me because I'm starting to feel very heavy with them.  Of course, I don't know what the future holds, and maybe someday I will be handed a challenge I feel is too big for me.  When that happens I hope I'll rise to it, and for now I'm grateful for my blessings.

And here's a silly picture of James to lighten the mood a little:


  1. I commend your empathy, I really do. There are so many people in this world who take so much for granted, and it's really awful. I can relate to the guilt you feel. Having no health problems, being married to someone with no health problems, and giving birth to 3 extremely healthy children often makes me feel guilty. I also feel guilty when I complain about not being pregnant again (we've been unofficially trying for nearly 2 years) when there are so many couples out there struggling with infertility or the loss of a baby in utero, and I've been blessed with 3 kids.

  2. You are wonderful and amazing, Kayla.
    I have a friend who just had her baby at 26 weeks. I follow her instagram and other social media outlets.. I watch him grow every day. Her strength is something I cannot even begin to imagine..
    But, dear friend, you are going through an experience that inspires me daily.. it leaves me in wonder and awe. Be proud. You are incredible.

    ps.. I have a bunch of different tricks I've used on a bunch of different kiddos for sleep... Who knows?? One might work for him...
    <3 Cheryl

  3. Kayla, Ben and I were just discussing a similar topic. Sometimes I have nightmares about things happening to Blake and I have to take him from his crib and cuddle him just to make it OK. I also admire those who have had such struggles and been able to over come them, or at least endure them well. Your baby is so cute! Its fun to watch them change :)