Wednesday, March 28, 2012
More Pre-Mama Thoughts
I feel like the calm before the storm.
Not me in particular, maybe, but things in general.
Things don't have much choice at this point other than to continue plodding along the way they've always done, even though there are big changes just around the corner. We can't force the change, can't rush it; it must happen when it happens. Until it does, things must be relatively normal. I find myself equal parts excited and anxious, happy and fearful. I'm trying to enjoy the present without wandering into the territory of resenting change. It's a tricky balance, sometimes. I'm trying to embrace the future without losing my sense of now. All of this inside my head. I have no idea what I look like on the outside.
This morning, still in bed, after good morning/goodbye kisses from Tony, I hit the snooze on my alarm several times so I could keep lying there thinking about how in the world I will manage a newborn and a 1-year-old. All the mamas/caregivers of multiples out there are probably rolling their eyes and chuckling knowingly. Even I have been a caregiver of multiple children, and yet the thought of having to balance my own little new baby and these other people's kid suddenly has my stomach in knots. I don't know if I'll do a good enough job. Will I be able to take good enough care of one while worrying about the other? Will I live up to everyone's standards? Even when doing my best, will I get to keep my job? While lying in bed this morning I had nightmares of having to leave our little red house and moving into grungy apartments, and the stress of truly undesirable change.
And before those thoughts overwhelm me, I forced myself to remember my belief that Heavenly Father has a plan, and maybe even if that plan involves things I really don't want to do it's still a plan, and as long as there's a plan I can be okay with things. Seriously, doesn't the presence of a plan automatically make things better?
And I'm a really lucky girl. Like, amazingly fantastically wonderfully lucky. I have blessings coming out my ears. I have a husband, a house, a car, we have jobs, we're about to meet our little boy, and for the moment things look like they're going to keep on staying that way. I really don't have anything to complain about, and hardly any worries. I know other people are dealing with stuff that would make my head crack open. It's humbling to know that my challenges are small, and maybe they're small because I'm not strong enough to handle more, and maybe one day I will be strong enough to have to deal with truly gigantic challenges. My hat if I wore one is off to those of you who are having to deal with real things.
Anyway, I didn't know all of this was on my mind until I started writing about it. There are lots of good things on my mind too. Like how much fun we're going to have with this boy. Like how I'm eagerly awaiting the moment I hear other parents talk about, when they say they can't imagine what life was like Before. I can't wait to see how his personality blends into ours, what new family jokes we'll have, what traditions we'll form, what crazy memories we'll laugh about someday. I can't wait to find out what movies he likes and what songs he'll want played over and over again. What he'll be into. I already know I have a patience problem so I bet it'll be hard to take things one day at a time, but there are just so many thoughts and emotions and joys and fears wrapped around the bundle of baby in my belly. Poor little guy doesn't even know it. I'm a shook up soda can and he has no idea that he has no idea about anything. Funny how the same point on different timelines can be so hugely unalike.
The other thing I can't wait for? A new pair of jeans. Well-fitting, non-maternity, genuine cute jeans. Also, regaining the ability to shave my legs.