Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I've been thinking lately about good attitudes and staying positive and just how are you supposed to do that.  Not that I've been down or sad - I haven't.  But there are lots of opportunities to get anxious about things and, having a history of anxiety and depression, I want to do all I can to avoid as many of them as I can.  And I'd like to keep doing it on my own, without medication.  Not that there's anything wrong with medication.  I've used it and it's helped me.  But it's been a good long while that I've been anxiety/depression-free without it and I'd like to stay that way, if I'm able.  I'm a little concerned about post-partum blues, but so far things have been good.

Anyway, I believe in the power of positive thinking.  I believe if you tell yourself you're pretty, you'll feel prettier.  And if you tell yourself you're strong, you'll be stronger.  And if you tell yourself you're stupid or mean or ugly or that it's going to be a bad day, you're shooting yourself in your proverbial kneecaps.  A lot of the time, life is what you make of it.  (Don't worry, the cliches don't stop there.)  But don't you agree?  When I get to thinking about how I'd like this or that about my life to be different (I wish I had curly hair, I wish I was more outgoing, I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom) and feel that silly self-pitying sadness slip its hand in mine, then I think about other people.  Everybody knows that other people aren't living their definition of perfect lives either (if you didn't, you do now).  We know everyone struggles with something, big or little things and usually both and almost never neither.  And yet we all mostly manage to be happy, most of the time.  It's a little bit inspiring to know that we are so powerful.  That we can be cheerful and satisfied even when our hair isn't curly when really really wish that it was

And so.  All of that was me trying to say that on Monday I was stressed and anxious about whether or not this baby has turned around, and whether or not he would stay turned around if he has, and how I would like a doctor to not have to cut him out of me, and that yesterday and today I've told myself that I'm not going to worry about it.  And I haven't!  Very much. 

On another note, I am really bad at Valentine's Day.  And Christmas, and birthdays, and any other gift-giving holiday.  Tony is really good at all of those.  Yesterday he surprised me with these earrings and a box of chocolate.

And how can I not be happy with an amazing Tonyface I love more than blueberry muffins on a sunny morning?


  1. Blah, depression. & anxiety. They suck. A lot. I want to say I'm glad that you have suffered through it, too... but I'm not glad. I guess I'm glad that I have another friend who has? Who understands how hard it is? And what a bummer it is to deal with it every day? So, no, I'm not glad... I'm just... I don't know. I'm sorry you've dealt with it. It sucks. A lot. I still deal with it. Every. Single. Day. And it sucks. Last week and the week before I hardly left my house. I could hardly even get out of bed and leave my room. And I've spent months like that... and it sucks. A lot. But, things have gotten better. Although during those two really bad weeks... I thought things were going back to the way they used to be. But, luckily... I've been okay lately. OKAY. Not good, not great... but okay.

    I still take pills every day. I have to take pills just so I don't start crying my eyes out. And I have to take pills so I can fall asleep. (Trust me, I've tried without... and I just spend the entire night awake and frustrated and mad at myself for not taking them because I'M SO TIRED BUT I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP because my mind WILL NOT SHUT UP.) I seriously hope that one day I won't have to take these pills. & I hate going to my doctor every time and him just upping my prescription instead of trying to help me get it lowered. But, I think I need a new doctor. Because he really doesn't listen.

    Sometimes I get so frustrated and I don't feel like blogging about "ohh my day was nice and here are some pretty photos that I took or that I found and blah blah blah" because it wasn't nice... and I don't have any nice photos, or the nice photos that I found just put me in a worse mood. Sometimes I just want to say, you know, I'm depressed. I spent the entire day lying in bed hyperventilating over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And then I cried even more because I don't know why I'm crying. Then I gave myself a panic attack because I just want to be NORMAL.

    ...but I wait. And I don't write that. I just wait for those feelings to go away. Sometimes I have to wait a few days. And then I go back to posting pretty photos I found.

    I wish I could write about that stuff. But it scares me. I'm writing about it here. Ha.

    Sorry I rambled. A lot.

    Anyways, I know some of what you've gone through. I think. Maybe. So... you know. Any time you want to vent or ramble or just pull what I did, hahahah... you've got my e-mail address. & I'm always here. Even if I'm laying in bed crying. I'm here.

  2. I wanted to reply to Holly's comment but it wont let me do that directly. SO... yes. all of that... all what was said. can I get an amen. I am so overwhelmed with life right now and all I want to do is complain and lay in bed and watch pride and prejudice and or kill zombie nazis.

    I was trying to make my new blog not as personal, its not working. I should really just dive right in.

    Also Kayla, youre hot. Tony did good on those earrings!