Dang those things are expensive.

I don't need to be blogging right now, but why not?

Not quite 38 weeks.
Basically I just wanted to show off the dress I got at the thrift store yesterday.

Oooh don't I sound like a blogger when I talk about thrifting.  Well whatever.  It's a pretty dress and it cost me 2 bucks; for that I guess I can suffer being grouped as a trend follower.

Things are getting surreal over here.  Last night Tony and I went and bought the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper genie.  And with those things sitting on our floor it's starting to feel more like real life and a little less dreamy.  Which is good, because I hate to be disillusioned.  I want real life.

Another real life moment in the store as we were madly inspecting every aspect of all the strollers and car seats - hefting them and folding them and unfolding them and comparing this price with that maneuverability and so forth - and I suddenly found myself standing back watching the boy I married seriously consider the huge double stroller he was pushing around, and I was thinking how he's going to be a daddy soon, and it's just so weird.  I mean, this is the guy who built Lego models with me on our first date and who wouldn't let me wear flip flops while riding on the back of his motorcycle and who's idea it was to start a tradition of getting take-out from Crown Burger after we pick our Christmas Tree the day after Thanksgiving, and holy crap isn't he just the perfect person to be the father of my children?

I know this is all sappy "mom" stuff to say and not "cool girlfriend-turned-wife" stuff, but I guess that's what happens when the girlfriend/wife turns into a mom.


Buuuut I just love that boy and I'm glad I picked him, and that he let me.

More Pre-Mama Thoughts

I feel like the calm before the storm.

Not me in particular, maybe, but things in general.

Things don't have much choice at this point other than to continue plodding along the way they've always done, even though there are big changes just around the corner.  We can't force the change, can't rush it; it must happen when it happens.  Until it does, things must be relatively normal.  I find myself equal parts excited and anxious, happy and fearful.  I'm trying to enjoy the present without wandering into the territory of resenting change.  It's a tricky balance, sometimes.  I'm trying to embrace the future without losing my sense of now.  All of this inside my head.  I have no idea what I look like on the outside.

This morning, still in bed, after good morning/goodbye kisses from Tony, I hit the snooze on my alarm several times so I could keep lying there thinking about how in the world I will manage a newborn and a 1-year-old.  All the mamas/caregivers of multiples out there are probably rolling their eyes and chuckling knowingly.  Even I have been a caregiver of multiple children, and yet the thought of having to balance my own little new baby and these other people's kid suddenly has my stomach in knots.  I don't know if I'll do a good enough job.  Will I be able to take good enough care of one while worrying about the other?  Will I live up to everyone's standards?  Even when doing my best, will I get to keep my job?  While lying in bed this morning I had nightmares of having to leave our little red house and moving into grungy apartments, and the stress of truly undesirable change.

And before those thoughts overwhelm me, I forced myself to remember my belief that Heavenly Father has a plan, and maybe even if that plan involves things I really don't want to do it's still a plan, and as long as there's a plan I can be okay with things.  Seriously, doesn't the presence of a plan automatically make things better?

And I'm a really lucky girl.  Like, amazingly fantastically wonderfully lucky.  I have blessings coming out my ears.  I have a husband, a house, a car, we have jobs, we're about to meet our little boy, and for the moment things look like they're going to keep on staying that way.   I really don't have anything to complain about, and hardly any worries.  I know other people are dealing with stuff that would make my head crack open.  It's humbling to know that my challenges are small, and maybe they're small because I'm not strong enough to handle more, and maybe one day I will be strong enough to have to deal with truly gigantic challenges.  My hat if I wore one is off to those of you who are having to deal with real things.

Anyway, I didn't know all of this was on my mind until I started writing about it.  There are lots of good things on my mind too.  Like how much fun we're going to have with this boy.  Like how I'm eagerly awaiting the moment I hear other parents talk about, when they say they can't imagine what life was like Before.  I can't wait to see how his personality blends into ours, what new family jokes we'll have, what traditions we'll form, what crazy memories we'll laugh about someday.  I can't wait to find out what movies he likes and what songs he'll want played over and over again.  What he'll be into.  I already know I have a patience problem so I bet it'll be hard to take things one day at a time, but there are just so many thoughts and emotions and joys and fears wrapped around the bundle of baby in my belly.  Poor little guy doesn't even know it.  I'm a shook up soda can and he has no idea that he has no idea about anything.  Funny how the same point on different timelines can be so hugely unalike.

The other thing I can't wait for?  A new pair of jeans.  Well-fitting, non-maternity, genuine cute jeans.  Also, regaining the ability to shave my legs.

37 WEEKS

You know, next time around maybe I'll make some kind of effort towards taking quality pictures.  Maybe.

So now I'm 37 weeks, officially "full-term", which means this baby could come any time and no one in the medical profession would bat an eye.  My eyes would be batting, quite a lot, but they will be doing that probably no matter when this baby decides to come.

Actually that's interesting, because I've been getting the distinct impression that this baby is ready, and coming out won't really be his decision.  Unless maybe it goes on WAY too long and then he'll be like "seriously woman, it's time."  Because I feel like it's my body that's making these decisions.  My body is the one that's not quite ready yet.  My body is the one that's busy pulling levers and calibrating settings and greasing the hinges.  The cargo is just fine chilling out in the docking bay until systems are go.

I could be wrong, but that's how I feel.  I don't think this kid is coming early. Which is good, because we still don't have a carseat.

I've been getting lots of leg cramps way up high in my thigh-hip joints, lots of twinges in the neighborhood of my cervix which I think is courtesy of his big ol' head.  I've been a slave to the bottle (of grape juice) lately, which usually makes him really interested in seeing how far and fast he can stretch his limbs.  Other than that, though, he's still pretty calm.  Sometimes I don't feel anything for hours.  Other times it's just gentle undulations and wriggles.

Right this minute he's fidgeting around.  I can't believe there's a full-term baby just under my skin.

So I still haven't taken pictures of the minor changes in the baby room, or of the amazingly sweet gifts I've been given so far.  But I do have a picture from my baby shower on saturday along with a picture of our dog house.

It's difficult to tell, but in the first picture I'm holding a motorcycle made out of baby things, courtesy of my awesome Aunt.  And behind me are, left to right, the quilt my mom and I made together (my first quilt!) and the quilt made by one of my sisters-in-law.  Hers is fantastically snuggly soft and matches the colors in his room perfectly.  More pictures on all of that to come.

And the dog house, because, I looked out the window the other day and saw the branch of blooming blossoms over the grungy house and thought it was too pretty not to snap a photo of.  Blossoms are showing up all over everywhere, and even though it's almost April I'm still shocked that spring is here.  I think it's because I'm still waiting for winter to happen.  Seriously, where did our winter go?  My tulips are already blooming and we actually need to mow the lawn.  It's a madhouse.

Today I have an appointment with the midwife and I think I get to have an internal exam.  Doesn't that sound lovely?  Is it okay if I don't want to get used to that?

Friday Brain 2

This is what my day is like so far.

Soooo tired.

It's really hard to move your eyebrows independent of each other.

Friday Brain

Honk if the word "cyan" does not make you think of this:

...and instead makes you think of this:

Right?  Right?  Anyone?

Pictures of my head

I was sitting here at work being grumpy and browsing the internet to avoid dealing with myself.  And I didn't realize how grumpy I was until I decided to open up photobooth just for funsies and was met with this face:

I mean really.  Who wants to be around this girl right now.  Not me.

Not that I'm sure I want to be around this girl either, but she's got to be better than a grump.

And now my grumpies are mostly gone!  Some ho cho and pancakes might clear up the remainder.

And yes, I absolutely did match my earrings to my fingernails today.


P.S. For those of you who don't know, I work as a nanny.  And before you go thinking I'm the worst nanny in the world and just sit on my computer all day while ignoring the Little, she was taking a nap at the time of this post.  (When she's awake is when I spend all my time watching tv.)

And now for something completely expected

9 Months.

 Not the best pictures of my life - maybe someday I'll take a picture with my head involved? - but they'll have to do because now I am officially a 9 month pregnant woman.  9 months!!?!  Why am I surprised by this??!?

Now I'm on weekly midwife appointments and labor watch, only not really that last one.  First timers, the good doctor told me, usually don't deliver before their due date, but I'm sure there are dames out there who can roll their eyes and say "pffft" before I even finish this sentence.  Isn't the individuality of earthly experience a wonderful thing?

I had Baby Shower #1 on Saturday and have some awesome things to show you which I have not yet photographed, but will.  Also, furniture!  So many things to show you.  Also, I need help decorating my house.  Pleeeaase help me!

Anyways, I had plans tonight to go to my mom's to work on the quilt we're making, but after a grueling grocery run to Wal-Mart which made my lower back just give up and fall completely off I've decided to stay home, take a steamy shower, and then paint my nails a fetching shade of blue I picked up earlier.  Pampering one's self, you know.

So I hope you all have a lovely evening as well.  Turn off the tv, especially if you're watching Alcatraz because you simply don't need to be sad about serial killers tonight, and paint yo dang nails.

4 a.m. entertainment

In the spirit of my own mini dancing video a few days ago, I present you with this.  Amusing, yes; but more importantly a priceless catalog of dance moves to add to your repertoire which are sure to please.



When practicing, be sure to do so in front of a video camera.  And then post it, so I can laugh at you.

The Jameses

So the name we've picked for our baby is James.  When people ask us why I unfortunately have to break one of my own rules about life and say "we just liked it."  No deeper meaning, nothing hippieish like I've always prided myself on being (I still have hippie names picked out for girls, though, so ready yourself for those someday.)  We just like it.  It's classic, it's not overly wimpy (Noodle?) or overly tough (Nails?).

And it's not even in honor of some cool person we love.  Well, not a single person, because everyone knows there have been lots of neat Jameses in the world.  Here are some of my favorites.

As you can see, it's an extensive list.  Although I hope my kid does less sex, drugs, and nipple-showing than most of these gentlemen, I think he'll still be in fairly good company.  Also, can you tell I have nothing else to talk about today?

10 points or something if you can name them all.

Windy days and Tuesdays (35 WEEKS)

As a person who heavily relies on counting by fives, 35 is a significant number.  Especially in relation to 40.

35 is what I am.  (Weeks, that is.)

I mean, ridiculous, right??

Today I hurt everywhere, if everywhere were my back.

But a new concern has popped up!  Well, not really new, but I'm realizing that soon we're going to have to deal with being "the friends with kids."  A kid, at least.  And I'm just not sure if we're going to be cool anymore.  (Note: invalid point.  We are not currently cool.)

And it's not like we're super social and hang out with tons of people all the time and now we're going to have to redefine our social lives.  But I am concerned with what our weekly pen-and-paper nerdy game group are going to think about having troll battles punctuated by baby cries.  We're probably going to have to make little dude his own character to justify him being there.  Or at least make him feel like part of the group?  It's always a little nerve-wracking for first timers.

Anyway.  It's windy today, which I am not happy about, so we've been listening to upbeat music to make it seem a little more sunny in here.  Which is why this happened.  I'm really sorry.  Also, I don't know how to use iMovie.

Holly Knitlightly giveaway!

I usually am not a giveaway enterer, but I can get behind supporting my friends.  So if you haven't met her already, I'd like to introduce you to the sweet, adorable, and knit-tastic Holly from Holly Knitlightly.





She's holding a giveaway on her blog right now, where you can enter to win a $25 gift card for her Etsy shop.  If you like wearables (and baby blankets) beautifully knit in pretty colors, you should definitely check her out and enter her giveaway. 

Plus she is the nicest ever.

A rambling on homes and their meaning and so forth.

In which I get a little wordy and meander through some thoughts.  Read at your own interest.

-----------------------

I am a girl who needs moderation.  Too much of something, I believe, is not a good thing.  In design, in decor, in style, habits, and basically in life altogether.  I've never been the kind of person to be wholly one thing, or do or love only one thing.  My dad once called it being flighty; I call it being well-rounded.

Too much vintage feels stuffy.

Too much modern feels soulless.

Too much sugar feels unhealthy.

Too much health feels boring.

Too much clutter feels heavy.

Too much clean feels overwhelming.

Right now I'm mostly thinking of this in terms of home decorating, because honestly that's what's been on my mind a lot lately.  I've been trying to decide what my style is, who I am as a designer and what I want to say about me and my family and my life through my home.  I change my mind a lot.  On different days I want to say different things - which really doesn't work well for something like a house, where it takes quite a bit of effort, time, and usually money to up and change the mood of a room for a day.  Also, that's silly.

My home is important to me.  It was even before I had one of my own.  I've always known that the concept of "home" was something I valued and I've always wanted mine to be special.  You know, at least to me.  I'm not trying to be super original for the sake of being so; I'm not looking to win blogging or decorating awards or anything like that.  I just want the place where I and the people I love most dwell - the place we all come back to at the end of the day, and the place where our best memories will be made - to be amazing for us.  To be comfortable, and peaceful, and happy, where when we walk in the door we can even let it fade into the background a little because it allows us to focus on really important things, like each other.

This might sound a little strange, but I love the fact that everyone on this earth gets to live their own life.  I love that we're not forced into someone else's formula.  For instance, I love looking at pictures of Elsie's home, but I wouldn't want to live there - it's a little too vintage-ified for my tastes.  And I love basically everything about Ashley Ann's home, but I wouldn't want to live there either.  It's beautiful, but not completely my style.  I'm not ragging on their homes; they are lovely and are, I assume, exactly as their respective residents want them to be.  And that's my point.  I just love that we get to be who we are, like what we like, and live the lives we want to live.

(Maybe I'm really late to this realization and you all are like, "we know, we get it.  What's wrong with you?")

Anyway.  I guess I'm just trying to hash out a philosophy for myself.  Something I want my home to be is balanced.  It's important to me to not get too excited or crazy about one idea or trend that I lose focus on the balance.  (I'm not always good at this - I'm sure Tony could back me up.)  I don't want people to walk into my house and feel overwhelmed by something arbitrary: "Woah, this girl must really like Star Wars."  (Or lace, or blue, or matryoshka dolls, or what have you.)  (Also, parentheses.)  I want them to walk in and think "wow, I feel really good about myself.  I feel like lounging on the couch and hanging out with friends and just being generally really comfortable."

I know I and my house have a long way to go.  But it's good to have a goal, right?  And I'm really glad, if you're reading this, to be able to share my own personal journey with you.  I admit that the whole concept of blogging is still weird and undefined to me sometimes, but I am grateful for the people I've met and friends I've made, and for the help in finding my own voice.  Plus, I like weird things.

34 WEEKS

Yes, I may have worn a stripey shirt because I wanted to look bigger for picture day.  Contour lines, you know.  Don't judge me.

Tony calls this my Waldo shirt.  And I don't really have a counter-argument for that.


Anyway, I think it's time to break out the listiness again, so here are things I want to remember about 34 weeks:

- I could never really picture what kind of hurt true rib kicks would hurt like.  Now I can picture it really well.  (Turns out it's like getting kicked in the ribs, but from the inside.)

- I love my belly.  I don't know how to explain it without sounding weird.  I just like it.  It makes me feel feminine and strong; I'm a little sad that it won't be here for much longer.  And still no stretch marks (but let's not talk about the boobs, okay?  That's still a sore subject.)

- You are head down!  I'm still just really happy about that.

- I am all kinds of uncomfortable.  My back hurts all the time, it's suddenly really hard to stand up or bend down, doing anything at all gives me heartburn, I'm exhausted but still don't want to stop doing things.  And even still, I love being pregnant.

- Still no weird cravings, except for the past couple weeks I cannot stop thinking about grape juice.  I want to drink it all the time.

- You move a lot.  Especially right at bedtime and in the middle of the night.  Sometimes I feel like my stomach is boiling, but you know, in a not excruciating way.

- Also, lots of Braxton Hicks.

- You feel more and less real all at the same time, the closer you get.  I've come as close to seeing your face almost as is technologically possible, I feel almost all your movements, but I know that I still don't really know you yet.  Of course, will I ever really know you?  You are a real person.  Sometimes the bigness of what you are overwhelms me.

- OH, the emotions.  The last few days I've been a little rollercoaster.  I try really hard not to be too crazy for Tony, but there have been a few times when I just needed to cry for no reason.

- And yet, for some reason I've been able to turn off my super-sensitive emotions enough to really enjoy The Walking Dead.

- I worry I'm not going to get your room done in time.

- I worry a lot about labor and delivery.

- Even with the extra stressors lately, Tony and I can still laugh about pretty much anything.  It's probably my favorite thing about us.  I hope we can stay happy and silly even during Newborn Time.

- But on the inside, I'm starting to feel anxious, anxious, anxious.

- And this is unrelated, but Mila Jovovich really grosses me out.


So, that's about it, for now.  My brain is all over the place these days.  I'm trying to do some content writing for my sister's website and I'm worried that when she sees what I've done so far she'll be like, "um...maybe this was a bad idea."  And I'll be like, "we should get pancakes."

And that's that.

Freaking saturdays, man...

It took me 8 hours to get dressed and ready today, so I took a picture.  It's not even anything amazing, I'm just proud of myself.

So yes, AN ENTIRE BLOG POST.